Fell for a friend and now there is non? Just need some advice.

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Yesterday, 02:47 PM	? #1 (permalink)
Registered User ? Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: The Race Track Posts: 20	Well, where to start? I am a 30?s adult, had my fare share of bad luck in relationships but had some good ones too. Been married, divorced the B*** of hell 3 years ago, had a girlfriend a year after and now been flying solo a year since that ended. I am pretty content with my life and how things happened around me. Yet I have a question about a girl that I fell for and her behaviour just does not make sense. We have known each other for a couple of years, but I would say in the last 6-7 months we became extremely close in friendship. She was flirtatious during this time and in her mid to late 20s. We do live 3 hours by plane apart. BBM during the day, every day, since 6am till 10pm and skype/phone calls some evenings. We were so involved in each other?s life?s it simply became habit. I knew everything of her, down to super personal stuff, even her ?womanly calendar?. (Can it get more personal?) Long story short, she flew down a couple of times to visit me at the coast. We had great times, adventures, always in each other?s faces and enjoying every moment of it, I truly went out of my way to spoil her rotten. BUT, I realised I am now stuck in the ?friend zone? but managed to control my feelings towards her since she sometimes gave me the impression she is not interested in anything more. She openly admitted to me, and eventually every day, that she considers me as her ?best friend?. I don?t have best friends, only really close ones (and a few) and I did tell her that. Sorry, I don?t believe in that because I can?t place one friend above another. A Friend to me is all or nothing. I was giving off signals that I really like her more than a friend, gifts, valentines crap, you name it and always great full and accepting but I just didn?t have the goons to tell her. I just never felt the right moment to tell her and I guess I was scare of loosing what we had. She was not like the others, and I never had a real lack in confidence, except this time. Don?t tell me she is so stupid not to sense this? Women are usually sharp at these things, right? As per ritual she BB?d me early one morning and I obviously responded as usual. She then asked me how I allowed myself to fell in love again after my divorce. I told her it just happens, but pursuing it a matter of personal preference. She then said something that shot right through me. ?I have met someone but why does it feel weird telling you about it??. I thought WOW, here is it now. I let it ripped and tell her is it not because she knows I am into her? She told me she didn?t know I felt like THAT over her and she needs time to think. So I gave her time. She later responded she don?t want to hurt me and whatnot and that she needs to cut things with me because she does not want to be the person that is responsible for my pain and that she do loves me. I told her short and simple she made her choice clear and I will accept it because she made her mind up and nothing I can say will change that. (not my 1st rejection). 2 days later she send me this massive email praising me, how great I am and adding again she does not want to be the one to hurt me etc. At that moment I could only read ?GUILT? for some reason or another. I thought about it for a while and send her an email back basically saying I wish it didn?t have to end like this and I do care for her but I hope the new fellow will love her and care for her as what she deserves and that I really treasure the time we spend together. I was feeling the hurt then but I knew that?s all I can do and that our friendship is lost. I don?t think she will ever look at me with the same eyes again, so I came to the conclusion time to move on. She removed me from facebook and BBM (because her reason was not to upset me or something). I let it go and stay my distance. She text me a few days later telling me the same story of her not hurting me etc, I responded ?what?s done is done?. Again 3-4 days later the same time of text again but this time I could read deeper in that message that she actually misses me and I just responded ?I miss you too?. I was in a bike accident and she heard somehow. Text me again on how much I mean to her and that she is just glad I am ok. I just responded ?I will be ok, but thanks alot?. And now a few days later again I received a text saying she is just thinking of me and hope all is ok. I didn?t respond. I though she is in a committed relationship, is she trying to mindf** me? I am on this website so probably yes. Is this regret of some sort? Or just guilt? Yes, it is hard to let go, I know I have to but I am just abit confused at the moment.
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Yesterday, 03:20 PM	? #2 (permalink)
Registered User ? Join Date: Apr 2012 Location: Scotland, UK Posts: 29	This sounds quite similar to me...except I'm almost 2 years on from where you're at. I had a friend who was a guy. We were friendly from when I was about 16/17, we worked together for a bit too. Then I moved away, got married and lost touch with everyone from home. Seven years later, I left my then husband and moved home with my 18mth old daughter to start again. One night while moving belongings, I crashed my car. When I put it into the garage to be checked over, I discovered my friend still worked there. So we had a bit of a catch up. He was still with the same girl he was with before I left, and he now had 2 kids; a boy and a girl the same age as mine. Anyway, that was us back in touch again. Shortly after that he lost his job and we ended up workin together again for another of out friends. We got to be great pals again, and I also became great friends with his partner. Anyway, a couple of years later, they split. I remained good friends to both of them - altho difficult at times. After 6 months - a year he started to let me know he liked me, thought we'd be good together etc. I kept right out of it as we were good friends, and also I thought he was just after me for easiness. Rather than have to actually go out and start dating again. Anyway, another year after that something bad happened in his life and i was sooo worried about him. Checked in on him everyday with visits, phone calls, texts etc. I was in a relationship at this point although not a very good one and it was ending. That kind of has no relevance other than I was out one night with my friends, my boyfriend at the time was also out and I had asked him to let me enjoy my night with the girls. But anyway, it didn't happen, my night got ruined and I found myself on the phone to Bob to come collect me and take me home. The next day the boyfriend was dumped for his exploits. Over the next month or so I began to realise it was always bob who I called to rescue me, from anything - car trouble, men trouble, broken lawnmower cables - and he always came. Anyway, he was back at me that we'd be good together and I was still telling him no. We had such a strong friendship, which was soooo important to me. And I'm awful at relationships, I couldn't bear to risk wrecking our friendship. However, one day, listening to Nickelback, if today was your last day, I decided to just go for it! I'd never forgive myself if I never took the chance. Anyway, that was almost 2 years ago. If you see some of my other posts, you'll know it's not perfect just now. But I'll never give up, I still can't ruin that friendship! Obviously I don't know what you're friend is thinking. But I can tell you that good friendships sometimes can be too special to risk by turning into a relationship! I still hope every single day that we never muck this up! Good luck to you
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Yesterday, 03:50 PM	? #5 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: May 2012 Location: Near Chicago, USA Posts: 179	Jaykay: Sorry to hear this. I have found that there are woman out there who like to get attention and gifts from men without any intention of having a real relationship with them. I think this says something about their personality and personally if I were you I would run because it does not say anything nice. This woman needs male attention to feed her ego, but it was really wrong for her to accept gifts and dinners out, etc. She should have paid her own way on friend's only outings and a Valentine's day gift should definitely not have been accepted or expected by her. Run.
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Yesterday, 04:30 PM	? #8 (permalink)
Registered User ? Join Date: May 2012 Posts: 5	I disagree with Angel's advice to ask her to stop contacting you. That lets her off the hook and shifts all the emotional burden of the situation from her to you. It may also be an overreaction given the circumstances. If she's feeling guilty about the situation, then an argument can be made that she kind of brought it on herself by stringing you along all this time. It's common for people in your situation to respond in frustration by telling the other person to go away. The way I see it, we do this out of altruism. We never really think about it in so many words, but this is what's going on in our mind: "I'm already an emotional wreck, so if I tell her to leave me alone, then I have to deal with the cold and bleak knowledge that she'll never contact me again, but at least she'll have the freedom to pursue her new relationships guilt-free. At least one person will come out happy." But doing this is just a mild form of self-destructive behavior. A time will come when you regret doing this, and at that point your only options will be to lick your wounds and wonder what might have been, or contact her again and risk facing her anger or just ending up right back in the friend zone. In a nutshell, keep putting the ball back in her court. Because who knows? She might end up doing something with the ball that you haven't even imagined.
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Today, 03:10 AM	? #14 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Mar 2011 Location: Southern california Posts: 1,054	JK007----You know its really sad----IMHO---you are the really NICE GUY, the guy that the girl confides in, and wants to be friends with, but never beyond that----your heart is aching, you are in love, and she doesn't even know it----what does she do---she falls for the PUA, the BADBOY, the guy with the line-------how many really, truly nice guys, and girls out there, just get their hearts stomped on-----it is hard to read some of these situations, cuz it is so sad.
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Today, 03:40 AM	? #15 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Jan 2012 Posts: 355	1) There is no "Friend zone" (please dont make me explain why) 2) If a female is interested ever (than there exists potential either in present or the future) 3) If she ever liked you and was physically attracted to you and had an emotional attraction, than you have a chance with her. It would be best to remain friends with her if you wish it to potentially happen in the future, and for the meantime drop your interest in her somehow. And find other women it will get better and easier to move on and she could just remain your friend. 4) Her constant contacting you and wishing to have you in her life to me signifies that she is more interested than she led on. However there existed or exists conflicting interests and she cannot make her mind (which is a problem in a way) to throw it all aside and choose you. 5) At the same time her cutting you from her FB contact is very odd and she is expressing guilt in doing that. I do no not know what to tell you. Some Women are very smart and good when it comes to reading people and if they like you and you show it to them they will not make it a big deal (as some do) and will go along for the ride. Best of luck
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