Adoption update

So a lot of people in my immediate orbit know that our adoption attempt of a 15-year-old girl out of the foster care system failed miserably. Only 10 days in to what we were confident would be a permanent placement, she panicked and chose to get pretty violent. We had no choice but to call the police and she was removed from our home.

Her therapist told me later that she thought I got into a place in her heart that was reserved for her birth mom. Our girl had created a lot of fantasies about the mother she had not known for nine years, and in therapy she was starting to deal with the reality of what her birth mom really represented to her. Our girl and I got very close very fast, and it was likely more than she could handle. Here I was, a virtual stranger, giving her the love and comfort she had been waiting her whole life to receive from the woman who gave birth to her.

All she had ever known was chaos and violence. That horrible place in her psyche was actually comfortable to her because it was familiar. And coming into our home, with its rhythms and laughter and lack of raised voices and abuse was unfamiliar. And it scared her to death because she didn?t know what to expect.

She left us more than two months ago, and even now, I cry as I think about it. I loved that dear girl. I called her daughter and I meant it. I gave her a piece of my heart. I know I was too ambitious in thinking that love would conquer all ? how silly of me to think hugs and stability and prayer were enough to heal a broken child in the short time she had before she turned 18.

Our caseworker is coming over today to talk about what?s next. Scott and I don?t know what we are going to tell her. Scott wants to say ?No, never again,? and I think mostly because he not only values the stability, calm and peace in our home, but also because he can?t stand to see me cry these tears.

I don?t want to get my heart broken again, I really don?t. This stinks, and its the kind of pain that I can only compare to the death of a dear loved one. It is grief. And at least when someone dies, people can be sympathetic and compassionate. With this pain, only a few close friends have been able to comfort me. Others have pulled away, and I know they?re wondering, ?What?s wrong with her? It?s not like this kid was ever really her child.?

Oh, but she was.

I?m putting this in God?s hands. To be honest, my prayers are that if God walks us through this again, He chooses a child for us who can quickly integrate into our family. A child who truly wants a calm, peaceful and loving home with three brothers, two dogs and a surly Siamese cat. A child who needs a loving, intelligent, stable dad who will never raise his voice and will pretty much always say, ?yes,? even when he should say, ?no.? And a mom who will love her like crazy.

I know we can?t put stipulations on God, but Scott and I made a lot of decisions early in our marriage about the kind of life and the kind of family we want to have. We have successfully avoided chaos for 16 years, and we?re not really in the market to adopt another family?s mess. We?re hoping for a child who?s free and clear for adoption, and emotionally and physically healthy enough to become part of our family. If you know anything about the foster care system, that?s above and beyond asking for a miracle, it?s like praying for the moon to glow pink and rest gently on your front lawn while doing so. Just ain?t gonna happen.

But I also know that God didn?t break our hearts for no good reason. He opened this door and He is going to do something great with the pain we experienced. And while my heart is heavy for teen girls needing a home, we now clearly understand why conventional wisdom says that is not a good idea when you have younger children. We won?t sacrifice the kids God has already given us in order to heal a broken child. That would only give us three more broken children.

So we will stay open and available. We will see what God has for us. We will lay our broken hearts at the foot of the cross and trust the One whose heart breaks the most for these children.

Source: http://amiestreater.com/adoption-update/

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